Small and Large Pixels – A Mental Model for Healthy Relationships. Couples Therapy Copenhagen

The article offers a practical approach to improving relationships by distinguishing between small and large problems. The main idea is that many arguments revolve around trivial details that shouldn’t escalate and negatively affect the relationship. The model suggests focusing on the “big pixels” – the essential aspects of the relationship – and ignoring or minimizing conflicts over “small pixels” – the minor, trivial matters.

Introduction:

Do you often experience minor arguments in your relationship? About whether the stove should be set to 11 or 12, who usually chooses the music in the car, whether the remote control should have a fixed place, or whether to use the “good” or “regular” plates for everyday dinners? “Small and large pixels” – a mental model for a healthy relationship, provides a fundamental guide to understanding how to better avoid unnecessary discussions. Developed through experience in couples therapy, this model differentiates between trivial details and the essential aspects of a harmonious relationship.

Look forward to learning how to avoid getting caught up in the details and instead focus on the bigger, more meaningful issues in your relationship. With insights from couples therapy, you’ll learn how to create a safe and loving home environment where both partners feel respected and loved. Let this article be your guide to a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship.

Trivial Discussions:

The idea for this model came from witnessing numerous arguments in relationships about trivial matters. For example, what is gained by arguing whether the stove should be set to 11 or 12 when boiling pasta and perhaps even fiddling with the stove while your partner is cooking? If your partner feels corrected and loses the desire to be intimate that evening, or if it costs the good mood, you have only lost. The pasta will get cooked regardless.

Other examples of topics that typically lead to less important discussions could be whether there should be runners in the hallways, whether meals should be eaten at a fixed time every day, whether the child should wear a jacket when going out the door, or what music should be played in the car, etc.

When You “Win Yourself to Death”:

Unfortunately, many people “win themselves to death” when they win an argument in an insistent manner, making their partner stressed and upset. Not only can one win an argument by being insistent without actually being right, but one can also lose more than they gain.

Rolling with the Punches:

When such discussions about trivial matters arise, it might be better to “roll with the punches.” That means letting the other person be right when it’s not particularly important, following the logic of “winning the game by losing the game”: losing in the short term to win in the long term. Lose the individual case and win the relationship.

What Is It Really About?

Many discussions about seemingly trivial matters can also be a sign that something else is wrong. Maybe your partner, or you yourself, are using the small disagreement as an excuse to express deeper frustrations. In that light, the argument about pasta becomes even more trivial.

Below, we’ll look at what constitutes “big things” in a relationship and what constitutes “small things” in a relationship and why this is important knowledge.

Big and Small Pixels:

“Small pixels” refer to a fine-grained perception of reality and thus an eye for and responsibility for all sorts of details, while focusing on the “big pixels” involves looking at the home and relationship in a more coarse-grained and overall way.

Whether something is a small or big thing, a big or small pixel, can be difficult to say as it depends on one’s priorities and context. Still, we can give some examples:

Small Things (Small Pixels):

• The color of the walls in the hallway – within reasonable aesthetic limits.
• How to wash a pot.
• How well to dry a pot.
• Whether the children should go to bed at 9:00 or 9:15.
• Whether to mow the entire lawn or leave some of it with tall grass.
• Choosing between eating out or staying home on a given night.
• How to hang towels.
• Where to place shoes at the entrance.
• Where the cabinets should be in the bedroom.
• Getting the opportunity and space to talk about an experience you had at work.
• Which day to take responsibility for doing laundry.

Big Things (Big Pixels):

• Contributing to and maintaining a sense of security and happiness in the relationship.
• Ensuring that your partner feels confident and happy.
• Keeping the kitchen clean, for example.
• Long-term financial plans and investments.
• Hobbies: Insisting on “me-time.”
• Choosing a school or education for the children and young people.
• Desired experiences and travels.
• Protecting the relationship from imbalance, boredom, and – trivial discussions.
• Remembering to listen to your partner and showing interest in their feelings and needs.
• Never raising your voice, and if you do, apologizing as soon as possible.
• Maintaining a positive attitude and being a support for your partner.
• Never calling your partner derogatory names and more generally avoiding insults.
• Being intimate regularly.
• Remembering to kiss – every day.

Caveats:

Sometimes small things can be more important than big things. If your partner becomes very upset or stressed about something you consider a detail, you should treat it as a big thing, even if it seems illogical or unimportant to you. As such, one should remain calm and serious when dealing with complaints and a desire for discussion because there may be something at stake that needs to be unfolded, understood, and addressed.

When Men Sweat the Small Stuff:

In my experience, it is particularly problematic when men focus on the small pixels when we engage in trivial discussions or cannot let them go: Had we actually agreed to meet at 3:00 or 3:30? How should the dishwasher be loaded correctly? Should a display cabinet be placed in the living room?

The man who insists on being right about details, the small pixels, either creates an enemy or a slave out of his wife. Most women react very poorly to being corrected, while many of us men can handle it better.

(The explanation for why many women react so negatively to being corrected “can’t you really see/understand…,” may be related to the fact that they have used words from a young age to outmaneuver each other in girl groups, while we boys could always overrule verbal aggression with physical aggression, which is why words just didn’t or don’t hurt us. When a woman corrects us, we don’t interpret it the same way as an attack.)

When the well-functioning man is criticized for how he loaded the dishwasher, he asks his partner how she thinks it should be done, leaves it to her, or follows her ideas, even if he might disagree or not fully understand her logic. The dishes will be clean enough. If he experiences being corrected for something that seems trivial, he takes note and considers what might be wrong, to learn and possibly change some things. He begins to wonder if there might be something wrong in the relationship instead of arguing about who is right in a – in the grand scheme of things – trivial detail.

The Very Domestic Man:

Experience from couples therapy is that a relationship where the man focuses more on the details of the home and relationship is often strained. Here, the woman usually feels that the man is like a stranger in the home, or she may feel like a stranger herself. Some of the most troubled relationships are characterized by the man being compulsive and control-fixated (obsessive-compulsive personality – up to 8% of men) or an architect, where work identity is brought home and impacts the woman’s need for and intuition about how the home should look.

As a Man, It’s Okay to Relax Your Need for Control at Home:

Many of us men can rightly be blamed for not participating enough in household tasks, according to the discussion about women’s “mental load.” Paradoxically, this can be positive for the relationship. When the woman controls the details, remembers appointments, etc., the home is often more harmonious than when he tries to take control of it. Even if the woman might feel overburdened with the responsibility for this detailed world. It is a paradox.

Replace Detail-Oriented Control with Helpfulness:

When the woman wants you to swap the large, heavy pots on the terrace, you might politely ask why. She might then chirp some explanation, and you move them around to see her happy, even if you know she might want them moved back the following week. And when she gets strict about tidying up, you put on a good podcast and get to work. If you’re even a bit like me, you insist on not being interrupted, distracted, or asked to do something else while you’re at it. And you ask not to be corrected along the way because it’s pretty demotivating. If she can’t help but interfere, you might ask her to go to a café with a friend while you clean.

When Men Think Big:

Let it be a postulate: A well-functioning man in a relationship is satisfied when the big things are in place. When there is food in the fridge, a roof over his head, and he has a loving partner. Viewing the home and relationship in such broad strokes/big pixels fortunately comes as naturally to many men as it does for many women to focus on details. There might be a deeper logic at play, which we’ll explore below.

Little Man, Small Things. Big Man, Big Things:

Think about it, man: What are you signaling to yourself, the children, and your woman if you get upset about how a fork is placed in the dishwasher? You’re signaling that you’re a small man. Small men focus on small things; big men focus on big things.

Advantages of Focusing on the Big Things:

• When you, as a man, don’t get upset about details, you also become a role model for living without losing your temper over minor things.
• You show that your important battles are those you fight outside the home; within the home’s boundaries, a man primarily contributes to security and happiness.
• You essentially offer a large space of freedom for your loved ones when you demonstrate flexibility, attentiveness, and a lack of desire to engage in trivial arguments.
• You put life’s small and big elements into perspective – both for yourself and your partner.

Take the Wheel:

When you’re going for a drive, enjoy taking responsibility for the long trip so she can relax in the passenger seat. Enjoy having a clear role for your woman.

Two Metaphors to Lean On:

A male lion focuses only on one big pixel: the boundaries of the pride’s territory. His primary task is to ensure the pride’s safety and avoid attacks from other lions and predators. Similarly, we as men can signal that our goal is to keep our family safe and happy. How exactly this is done in finer details is less important.

The same principle applies to large dogs. In my childhood home, we had many animals, including a large and proud Doberman male. When walking him in the neighborhood, and other dogs barked through the fence or gate, he wouldn’t even look in their direction. They were too small for him. Similarly, men can focus on the big things and let the small details go.

11 Good Pieces of Advice:

1. Avoid conflicts about details: Don’t go into conflict over details that don’t play a significant role in your life.
2. Write down the unpleasant things: Consider writing down the unpleasant things you want to say and look at them the next day. Nine times out of ten, you’ll be glad you didn’t say them.
3. Stress level rule: Follow the rule that if your stress level reaches a 7 on a scale from 1-10, you can’t trust your thoughts. Hold back your urge to argue.
4. Watch your energy level: It’s much easier to end up arguing about trivial things if you’re tired and out of sorts.
5. Replace anger with sadness and curiosity: If you find yourself caught in an argument, try replacing anger and a desire to debate with sadness and curiosity. Sadness because it’s unfortunate to argue with your loved one. Curiosity because there may be something important at stake that you need to understand, no matter how poorly the other may explain it.
6. Let the other person vent: Let your partner vent a bit without participating too much. Avoid “symmetrical escalation,” where you wind each other up in an intense feedback loop.
7. Don’t nitpick: One should not nitpick each other. Persistent grumpiness or a desire for discussion should be addressed with your partner – not concerning the individual issue (a small pixel) but concerning the pattern “that there’s nitpicking” (a big pixel).
8. Be generous: Be generous with regard to her/his wishes, interpretations, and conclusions. Refrain from pointing out misinterpretations or the other’s poor memory to be right.
9. Don’t be weak: Being generous and being weak are not the same. Be firm in your insistence on the big pixels and generous with the small pixels.
10. Choose loving curiosity and calm: Choose loving curiosity and calm in all respects (as much as possible) and discover how your partner relaxes and begins to feel safe with the big person you are. Such a partner doesn’t want to argue.
11. Tidy up and clean: Get started when she/he says so, and preferably tidy up on your own initiative as much as you can.