A Guide to Genuine Communication in Relationships. Couples Therapy Copenhagen

In the intricate domain of human relationships, communication stands as the cornerstone upon which understanding and connection are built. Yet, too often, our attempts at communication fall short, hindered by the barriers erected by our own egos. In the following we will explore a mental model for great communication which has proved very useful in my own work as a couples therapist. 


In the realm of couples therapy the importance of forthright, authentic, and compassionate communication cannot be overstated. It is the key that unlocks the door to deeper intimacy and profound understanding between partners. Communication, however, is not a one-dimensional exchange but rather a multifaceted process that unfolds across different layers of awareness and consciousness. 


Level 1: At its surface lies the realm of the persona or ego

From this vantage point we communicate our truths based on our perceptions, judgments, and purported knowledge. Here, we assemble our understanding of the world like a mess of Lego blocks, presenting it to our partner in a monologue disguised as dialogue. We seek to explain, justify, and defend our truths and in doing so, we fail to truly engage in a meaningful exchange.


This level of precise and ego-driven communication, while common and often encouraged by various communication models, such as non-violent communication and methods of assertive communication, falls short of fostering genuine dialogue. It is rather a battleground of conflicting perspectives, where each party seeks to assert their version of reality without truly listening to the other. At the best of times it merely results in negotiation of truths,  demands and deliverables.


Level 2: Insecurities and Secrets – our Private Reality

Beneath the surface lies the realm of private reality, where our unspoken thoughts and feelings reside. This layer remains mostly silent during conversations, yet it exerts a powerful influence on our interactions. It is here that we conceal our deepest fears, insecurities, and desires, afraid to expose our vulnerability to scrutiny.


Level 3: A Deeper Connection

Yet, it is only when we delve deeper, beyond or “beneath” the ego and the layers of our hidden private reality, that we can truly engage in dialogue. At the third layer we operate from a deep curiosity. Herein lies a profound sense of being, akin to experiencing Carl Jung’s collective unconscious. Here, we transcend the need to define and express truths, embracing instead the uncertainty and mystery of existence – together with our partner.


In this space of deep awareness, communication transcends mere exchange of information; it becomes a shared journey of discovery and understanding. Like stumbling into a room filled with scattered Lego blocks, couples collect the pieces together, building bridges of connection and empathy. Not a one has the instructions – the putting the pieces together is a common project as it were


The Overlapping Pyramids

Illustrating this process are two pyramids, each representing a person, overlapping at the base – the level of the collective unconscious. Here, the boundaries between individuals blur, as they delve into shared uncertainties and desires.


In the realm of couples therapy, the journey towards authentic communication is a transformative one. It requires courage to let go of the fear and competitive righteousness of the ego and to embrace the uncertainties of the collective unconscious. Yet, it is only through this journey that couples can truly connect, forging bonds that withstand the tests of time and adversity.


As we strive to communicate more authentically with our partners, let us remember that true understanding lies not in the assertion of our truths but in the exploration of our shared uncertainties. It is in this space of mutual discovery that the magic of genuine connection unfolds, letting words, touch and eye contact build bridges that unite hearts and minds in a journey of love and understanding.

If you are curious to learn more or you would like to book a couples therapy session feel free to give me a call: 28700900 or write me a text or e-mail at: Thomas.Markersen@gmail.com

Thank you for reading the post! 

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